There are some things I came to think about and that I want to make clear, mostly for myself.
Since I can think, my mother was reading things about christianity and Jesus, I still don't know what confession she has, in which things she does believe and in which she don't.
Anyway, each Christmas Eve our family went to the church and only this one time in the year. I can't remember any other visits.
To this point it really didn't knew what it all was about and I haven't grown up with a forced believe in God. Gladly my mother didn't push her beliefs onto me or my brothers.
When I slowly recognized what was going on in the world, what religions are and on how many ways things are done to people, that are wrong and driven by certain religions and their followers,
I came to hate religions. That was kind of a rebellious phase of me, I was in my teenage years at this point and I didn't get why people can be so cruel to other people, especially to those with another race and religion when it was all in the name of a god (or gods) that is said to be Love. That wasn't love at all. I came to the conclusion I must be an atheist and all this stuff is wrong.
I also knew that I want to believe what I was seeing with my own eyes and I turned myself to science, biology and the exploration and vast beauty of our universe.
These were things I could touch, experience and believe in.
BUT, over the years, especially when I worked long time in a residental home for disabled people, I saw how much hope and love can originate from religion and gods.
I saw all these happy faces of people, who surely had a hard time in their lives, only because they knew they're blessed by the Lord (in which I still didn't believe).
I don't think they didn't get the concept of this at all, but they knew there was a helping hand somewhere.
There was a woman living there, that was really involved in this whole christianity thing,
she spend most of the money she got to people that lived on the streets and very often when we talked, she called me an angel, only because I was there when I was needed.
This made me think somehow.
At the same time I got deeper and deeper into the fact how the world, the animals and our universe work and how beautiful all these things are, how much I love every bit of this.
Everything was connected, we were created from star dust and this is where we're going again once all of it vanishes.
It is all so absolutely, enourmosly great, I came to the point of thinking "Why?"
We still cannot explain, why there was a Big Bang and what was before that and I'm sure, when we reach a certain point, you just can't explain things with science anymore.
I realized, that, in the purest core of all these happenings, at the most innocent essence of things, there is something that has nothing to do with a matter we can reason.
And this is, where I knew I can't rely only on science any longer and I started to question myself if I may be agnostic.
I still don't think this world was created as it is praised in every religion because there is proof that it wasn't. It just doesn't fit.
But what I surely believe is, that behind the borders we can explain and all this narrow-minded thinking, there is a unknown force, a purpose that started it all.
For some this must sound hilarious, but if you read all of this and told yourself before that everything has to happen in an explainable way: You could be wrong.
So my confession is, I think I am agnostic and I'm convinced that at the starting point of it all,
something happened that we can't and we will never be able to understand and that it is, in it's own defintion, divine.
The next time you look out of your window and see the world that is out there, think about it.
Thanks for taking your time.